I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
