Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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