the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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