I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
