I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
