maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
