Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
