matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
