Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
