I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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