Someone shit on the floor
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
