shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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