I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
