If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
