was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize