You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
