I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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