He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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