matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
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