I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
