After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
