I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize