it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
