Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
