I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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