can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
