my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
