my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
