My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
