I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
