did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
either way he was missing a nipple.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
