You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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