I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
