What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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