DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think my fart just growled at me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
