I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
