Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
