First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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