I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
