Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
