It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So squirting runs in the family.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
