Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
