She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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