there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
