I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
