Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
