Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
