my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
