your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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