i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
