I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
