I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize