The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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