I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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