OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
