yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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