My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
