apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
