Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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