Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
