I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
