I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
