Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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