I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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