I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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