Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
