Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
then he tried to convert me to islam
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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