She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
