i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
